One Last Try

I hate depression! Let’s just get this out now, IT SUCKS! Anxiety doesn’t help either. This rollercoaster ride is getting too long for me. I want off, too bad I can’t. Encase it isn’t clear, I have depression and some anxiety issues. And just for fun we’ll add secondary infertility.

I desperately want a little me. To see and hold a little girl that’s mine. Don’t get me wrong, I adore my boys and am eternally grateful to have them! They are wonderful kids, and I love that they are best friends. Yet I ache for my girl. And chances are slim of getting her in this life.

One last try and it’ll be over. One last round of meds, shots and IUI.

It’s pretty unlikely though, we think my tubes are closed. It would cost around $600 to be sure though. And we are already pretty sure. Not to mention med students and SAHM’s don’t get paid, so…

No sweet pictures of the boys meeting her. No pictures of me and my little girl doing make-up together in the bathroom. 2 years of trying every month, 2 years of getting hopes up and being let down every month. One last try.

This one last month is one of the hardest, which doesn’t help! Mourning the things I won’t get to do with her and teach her. Mourning and trying to have some hope for this one last try. Sometimes I just want to not worry about this last try. I want to just get rid of all the baby stuff I’ve been holding onto for the past 5 years thinking we’d have another. But I can’t get rid of it till we are sure. I am tired. Tired of waiting. But I’ll be waiting the rest of my life for her. The millennium can’t come soon enough!

Healing can’t come soon enough!

I am so grateful for the peaceful times and the comfort that my Heavenly Father gives me! I need them. I feel soooooooooooooo alone in this trial! I have great and supportive friends, but none of them have actually had to deal with this, so they cannot fully comprehend it all. I feel so alone, even though I know Jesus is helping me, I still at times feel so alone. But healing will come… eventually. Eventually.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong.

Ether 12:27

One day I will be stronger… one day.


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