Internal Conflict

Fall is my favorite season. Always has been. It’s ironic really, a season all about change is favorite to a person who doesn’t do well with it. Lately I’ve been contemplating if it’s still my favorite.

When I think of fall through my past I find so many happy memories. Beautiful colors, pumpkin carving, Halloween (my favorite holiday- free candy people! and being anyone you want), birthday parties, cool evenings, leaves on lawns. There is something about it all that makes me happy, peaceful. And now I live in a place where Fall lasts for about 3 months instead of 2 weeks. I love the colors here, there is so much more range in color. It’s fantastic to me that one half of a tree can be red and the other half green. I am surrounded here.04

 

But this year I have been feeling sadness at Summer ending. Sadness and a bit of dread that Fall is here. Because fall has lately come to also mean that Winter is right around the corner. Didn’t it just end?! Winter lasts a very, VERY long time here. It is oh so cold, like highs of 20’s feels really warm, but it is also beautiful. I just wish it didn’t last sooo long. If it could be 4 months instead of 6 I wouldn’t dread Winter coming.

This year Summer ending and Fall beginning also means a lot of time to myself. Time I didn’t think I’d have for at least 5 more years. You now think I’m crazy: What?! I’d LOVE more time to myself! Now you get to do anything you want! What’s wrong with you? I do enjoy time for myself, but too much of a good thing, is still too much of a good thing. Now I have to figure out what to do with myself. What do I want to be when I grow up besides a mom? This dilemma wasn’t suppose to be here this soon. Please Summer don’t leave yet! Unfortunately the signs are all around me. It was about 2 weeks ago that I saw the first tree turned Fall. And I panicked.

And I started to wonder if my favorite season has been edged out. Just writing about it has helped. I’ve realized why Fall hasn’t seemed as nice lately. Perspective! These last few weeks have been filled with mourning and my focus has been on things of naught. Change. And I don’t do so well with change, especially unplanned change. But when I wrote about memories of Fall I felt the love for Fall once again. Pumpkin chiffon pie, soup, snuggling a blanket and a good book, pumpkin cheesecake, apple picking, apple cider doughnuts. I love the lighting of fall, the orangey glow and long shadows.03

 

Summer has snuck up on Fall in my heart. It used to mean long HOT days, followed by HOT nights. A long time ago (so long it seems hard to remember) it was night games and freedom. Sprinklers and swimming pools. But Fall has always overtaken my memory and I have to actively think of what summer was like. It wasn’t all bad, but for some reason the heat is what stands out in my memory clearest. But now it is berry picking, lazing on the beach while the kids play in the water, vacations, and adventures. It’s ice cream cones and bike rides.

I won’t ever like the sun setting at 4pm, but I think Fall is still number one in my heart. (Disclaimer: the sun sets that early in Winter, but Fall still means it’s right around the corner). However Summer is definitely a strong 2nd. And now I have two seasons to warm my heart. I just have to keep perspective on what I love about them.

Sometimes in life we become so focused on the finish line that we fail to find joy in the journey.

We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect.

…no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it.

-Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s