Somehow Sad and Okay

I was going to write about how I’ve been doing better with the whole baby situation. I tried a couple of times to get it started, but it wasn’t quite working. I couldn’t get the words to flow. I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t keep my attention on writing. I’m pretty sure it’s because the boys were playing Dance Central 2, it’s very distracting watching that. The music is up, they’re super cute trying to copy the dance moves, and I had to keep helping them selecting things since it has a hard time reading their hand swipes. So I decided I’d wait and come back to it. Only now, I’m not feeling like I’m handling it as well as I was just a few hours ago. Ugh! I hate roller coaster emotions.

The lame part is that it wasn’t even baby stuff that triggered this onset of emotions. I hate how sometimes weird, unrelated things can trigger one another. But they do, and here I am not writing about how I’m doing way better than I thought I would be after hearing that my friend is pregnant with a little girl. Honestly I was doing pretty well. I promise. I’m still excited for her, and even somewhat excited to crochet her a cute baby blanket. (I only say somewhat because I’d be more excited if it were for my own girl, but that is not to be for me). Still I think I’m doing a way better job of accepting this than I was just a week ago. But I started feeling pretty insecure about myself for other circumstances, and apparently that has enabled also getting to feel more sad than I was about not having any more children.

I did give some of our baby things to a friend today. And I was pretty happy to be helping her, and also about getting rid of some of it. I wasn’t expecting to feel that good about getting rid of some stuff, but there it is. I was, and am. And I’m pretty sure I’m ready to get rid of the rest of it. I have to say it’ll be nice not to have to keep it all stored waiting, or hauling back across the country with us when we move in a couple years. It’s also nice to know that once my youngest has outgrown it we don’t need to hang on to it anymore. But that comes with the sadness of my baby being a big boy, and my little boy (the older one) being a gigantic boy. Won’t they stop growing?!

So on the one hand no more babies for me. And it’s sad. But on the other hand, no more diapers, no potty training any other kids!!!!!!, no waking up in the middle of the night (oh ok. Our youngest still comes in sometimes from a bad dream and wakes us up) but no having to do it every night for certain. Trips are nicer. Instead of having to watch our kids in another place we get to see another place with them. Side note: we like to call it a trip if kids come, a vacation if they don’t. Anyway, I am certainly grateful for the two WONDERFUL little boys I have. I love that they are best friends. And I love them. I’m trying to change from seeing the bad, the sad, the what I don’t have, to seeing the positive and what I’m grateful for.

When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. In grief, we can still lift up our hearts in praise. In pain, we can glory in Christ’s Atonement. In the cold of bitter sorrow, we can experience the closeness and warmth of heaven’s embrace.

We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?

Being grateful in times of distress does not mean that we are pleased with our circumstances. It does mean that through the eyes of faith we look beyond our present-day challenges.

This is not a gratitude of the lips but of the soul. It is a gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind.

-Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf


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