Sunday was a particularly low day. I can’t tell you why, I had no particular reason for feeling so depressed, I had been taking my medication. But Sunday it was as if I hadn’t ever started taking anything. I intensely disliked myself, worried my DrH would stop loving me, I felt the world would be better off without me. In short, it sucked! Life sucked! I sucked!
I believe many times I struggle is because of not knowing what to do/having nothing to do. It seems like every one has a passion, something they love doing. I don’t. There are things I enjoy, but nothing that I’m very passionate about. Nothing that says “Yes this is me, I love doing this! I could do it forever.” Only things that I could do if I also had other things to do too. It makes trying to figure out what to be when you grow up very difficult. ANYWAY…
There I was waking up Monday morning, still feeling crappy, but maybe not as much hopeless (maybe). I dragged myself out of bed and somehow got the dishes done. Then I went to the computer. I went to Pinterest with no particular thing in mind. And then suddenly decided to search uplifting words. (In my view this was inspiration from God) There were so many. So many that were good and spoke to my heart that day. By the time I was done reading I was feeling much better. Less alone. Less scared of my unknown future. These words didn’t solve my problems, but helped me to be ok with them. At least for now.
One pin led me to a blog. The title of the post was To the Mom who feels Depressed. That was me! How could I not read this one, how could it not speak to me. It was literally speaking to ME! I was that depressed mom, I needed this woman’s words. As I read, her words helped to lift me up. And then I read:
It’s not your fault, sweet friend.
And I bawled. Not only was she speaking to me, but I was now instantly her friend. A sweet friend. I felt her friendship and love. I felt the truth of her words, that it wasn’t my fault. I needed her words, love and friendship that day. I was no longer alone. Those words echoed through me throughout the day. It’s not your fault, sweet friend… Sweet friend… It’s not your fault…
I am by no means back to feeling fantastic about myself. (well back to feeling ok or good about myself) But I’m doing a lot better now having read all those uplifting words and encouragement from others. I love the power words can have. (well when used in a good way) I love that words can lift you from the dark, can comfort you, can encourage you.
So to everyone out there: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Don’t give up! You’ve gotten through your life so far, you can make it through this too! It’s not your fault, sweet friend. I love you. God loves you! Don’t give up!
(these pictures are some of the ones I found in my pinterest search)