This post may seem contradictory but, living across the country from my family is, for me, a good thing. I have found that having space between us is good for me, and so in turn for my relationships with them. They can drive me crazy, annoy the heck out of me, frustrate me to no end, and sometimes hurt me. But in the end I am grateful for them. Yes even in all their “quirkiness.”
It has been very difficult feeling like there aren’t many people I can talk to openly about my struggles. I am a fairly private person in nature, and so this widely limits who I feel I can talk to about things. Yes I have my DrH, for which I am eternally grateful for! And I have a few friends here who I can talk to about a lot of things, but none of them fully understand what I am dealing with, and I haven’t been able to talk to them about everything. (I haven’t even talked to you about everything here)
And then the other day, well last week when I wasn’t feeling so hot and I needed someone more than ever to talk to besides DrH, I thought of my eldest brother. He has always been very understanding of others and non judgmental (he’s the other normal one in my family… well I’m less sure I’m normal, but compared to the rest of our family I categorize the two of us as the normal ones). And so I called him up. It was so nice having a safe place to go to, a place where I could be heard. Someone who knew a little of what my struggles are like. Someone to understand. And someone I know will keep my confidence, and not spill the beans to anyone I am not ready to tell.
What’s more, is that he has called to check up on us and how we are doing. He has been an ear for DrH in his struggles since then, and in the way DrH needs someone to listen.
As I type this, it is hitting me how much it means to me to have someone think about me and DrH without being prompted to by us. Most of our relationships with others have had to be the kind where we do most of the instigating. That is a hard thing for me. I am a very sensitive and attentive person, and have always longed for relationships with others like that. I am blessed with DrH and my best-y M, who are very good at this. But my lot has been decidedly unbalanced to give this type of relationship without receiving it in return.
Even though I talk mostly of my brother, I know that my family all love me in their own way. And maybe one day they will better understand me, but even if they don’t I am grateful for their love. And I am grateful for them. And am eternally grateful for my little family of boys. I can never say enough what my 3 Casanovas mean to me.