Homeless

Guess what?! No… we still live in a hotel! But in better news we will soon be homeless. I’m so excited! No, really. Everything is still on track for our home out West to close on Monday. And we won’t have to worry about it anymore. YAY!

Theoretically we also close this next week on our new home here, but instead of getting to write a Thankful Thursday post about it yesterday (and how this time next week I won’t be living in a hotel), I got to comfort my husband and try not to freak out inside. The underwriter, loan officer, whoever, that we are dealing with for our loan is being a jerk face. We have given them everything but our fist born, and they still want us to jump through some hoops. UGH!!!!!! So we sit here worried that they won’t actually give us the loan they said we could have to buy the home we should close on next week. STRESS!!!!!!ING!!!!!!!!!!!OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Deep breaths, and positive thoughts.

Apparently God wants me to change my attitude about life. I keep wanting  things to go more smoothly and people to chill out. But that’s NEVER how things go for us. Like ever. It’s always a hassle, and extra work on our part. So jealous of you people that just have things go right. Anywho… Apparently God wants me to chillax myself and be ok with things taking extra time and steps and stress and hassle.  Maybe one day I’ll learn that lesson. But every time I just keep thinking that “this time things are going to work out and go smoothly.” HA! So fingers crossed we can still buy this house, cuz I sorta already signed the kids up for school.

Happy Friday everyone!

Balance

Wow guys. I am finding out that I don’t do so well without friends. Or husband. He’s been working regular Dr hours again. Which means I’m single parenting it for most of my time. Yesterday was pretty exciting though. He finally got his first day off since starting on the 20th! Yay! We also are under contract for selling our West home, and under another for buying one here.

So today I should be on cloud nine right now. And yet I’m not. I feel stressed, tired, bored, unproductive. And this all triggers depression for me. And with no network of friends to help give me a break, no home to get settled into, and DrH working Dr hours (11-16 hrs/day 6 days/week) it all seems to just keep piling up right now. Ah depression my good friend. I love when you visit. (can you hear the sarcasm?)

What is great is that this place already feels like where we live instead of a foreign place we don’t belong, except for that bit about us living in a hotel.  And lets be honest, when I have nothing really to do I go a little crazy. Doing things with friends and having something planned with people really helps. Except when the introvert side is winning. I guess I’m finding that having balance in my life is the difference between things being annoying and stressful or being depressed and anxious. Can’t wait till I can actually feel happiness and excitement for all this good stuff. But for now you’ll all have to feel the excitement for me. I’ll be able to fully join you soon I think.

TT:

Thankful Thursday Logo bThis week has been rough. Really rough. Lots of different issues and stresses to deal with. Having things wait and be on hold till one thing is taken care of. Looking at homes is somewhat stressful for us anyway, but it’s also been on a partial hold until this week. One thing after another, and several odd things altogether, making it feel like everyone is dishonest and trying to nickel and dime us. I know that’s not the case, but it can seem that way when there are several unexpected expenses close together. Seems too much for coincidence, but it is just coincidence. Ugh.

But on the bright side (which is what Thankful Thursday posts are about) we got to start making some new friends a little this week. We went over to their house for dinner, the kids played great together, and we all had fun. Yay! Cuz putting myself out there to make new friends super stresses me out. Introvert! (Don’t you wish you lived by our new friends? They are super lucky with these views!)LWRES_2175LWRES_2180Also on Tuesday a friend came out to see us. We met them in New England, then they moved for fellowship (the last possible stage of residency). They have lived in the next state over from where we just moved for the last year, and are moving out west this weekend. So it was super fun to have a small overlap of time where we lived only a few hours away. Since all their stuff is basically packed they road tripped it over here to hang with us on our new beach and have some fun for the day before driving back home. Being able to hang out and see them again, plus have fun socializing with new people has really been what’s made this tough week possible to get through. So grateful for those tender mercies.

Oh and on the fun stressful side, I get to go solo with the kids in the hotel starting next week as DrH starts residency… (a very feeble) Yay. But then we’ll get some money coming in instead of JUST going out. So that’s good.

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Pulling the penguin back out to help me through this transition.

Welcome to the Hotel California

Have you ever stayed at a hotel and seen people come down for the free breakfast in their pajamas? Maybe you’ve seen someone walking around with their hair up in a towel. Maybe they have a hamper or two on their hip. Maybe their hair is in the towel, a hamper on each hip and a bright pink workout bra is peaking out on their shoulders. I would like to say hi, we’re the people living in the hotel. Welcome to our home. (and I may, or may not, have done all of the previous things)

We’ve only lived here for a little more than a week 2 weeks (yes, I’ve been that slow at getting this posted), and I have to say it’s definitely a unique experience. We’ve stayed in hotels several times before, but staying a night or a few is very different than living in a hotel. Even if it’s only been a week 2 weeks so far. Our plan was to stay in some type of temporary place until we could find a home to buy. We’ll be in this lovely state for at least 5 years, so it makes sense to us. Our temporary place ending up being this fantastic hotel. And it’s unlike anything.

It’s a bit like living in an apartment, except that you don’t have a full apartment. And you share breakfast with your family and your closest 20 strangers. And honestly it’s harder to live in a hotel than you think. It sounds fun, and honestly it’s not too bad, but it’s not as fun as you might think. Extended time at close quarters. Being on a long vacation, except you don’t have money to do anything because you aren’t actually on vacation. You try to live real life, but it’s surreal since your in a hotel. Weird, sometimes fun, sometimes boring you to death.  And like life, much nicer when you have friends to do things with. But that’s a story for another post…

Stress

As we get ever closer to the move I get more and more stressed. Every time I look at anything that needs to be done I see everything that needs to be done. I can’t seem to size it down anymore and just see a part of it. We start moving stuff into pods tomorrow, graduation is Sunday, and then we finish up Monday and leave. And it just seems that there is always more to do. It’s like the never ending pile of laundry, but worse because it’s packing. I’m sooooooooo sick of packing.

The worst part? We’ll have to unpack it all. Eventually. Though I am excited for the road trip we have planned to move out to the new state. And we may even be able to buy a house there. I keeping trying to keep the focus on that, but when I look around at all the boxes and everything left that needs doing it becomes difficult. But soon, I won’t need to think about it anymore since it’ll be packed away and we’ll be on the road.

See you on the other side of moving.

TT: Oh the Suspense

Thankful Thursday Logo bAs you can guess things have been a bit crazy since finding out where we’re going to live for the next 5 years. And as time draws closer to Graduation and the move it will only get crazier. Over the next 2-2 1/2 months my blogging will get a bit spotty. Especially when we pack up the pc and start loading things up. But I’ll try to get some thoughts down at least once or twice a month. When things are packed and we head out on the road I probably won’t blog for the next few weeks. We will be in some temporary place while we get a feel for our new surroundings, and figure out where the best area for our family will be.

It’s very nerve racking. Moving to a place you’ve never even visited, trying to plan when you don’t have much information. Hard to line up a moving pod when we don’t know yet exactly when we need it, or where it will be going. We don’t know when we’ll get there, so far we only know we’ll be moving, and it will be towards the end of May. BUT… it’s exciting that we can explore a new place. Meet new people, make new friends, and make new memories together.

And… since you’ve been in suspense. We started out (growing up and starting our family) in the West. Medical School brought us to the East (specifically the New England area). And Residency will take us to the Mid-West (or middle of the country). I can’t wait to have fun together in a new place. It will also be nice to have a shorter and cheaper flight back to visit family.

Anxiety Cat - Excited, nervous, excited,nervous Yep feeling both right now!

Not What I Expected PT 1

A long time ago in a land far away (ie 2003 in another state) I was nearing the end of classes for my Associate’s. And as I sat in the business class I just had this thought come to me, “I won’t be doing this as a profession, it’s going to be more important to have a family.” The type of photography I wanted to do at the time was photojournalism of some sort. And I knew that in that type of work it would be really hard to start and mother a family. At least for me, I’m not that great at distance relationships. Always going places for assignment, or being out shooting all the time so I could get a few freelance jobs. There wouldn’t  be enough time for me to also devote to my family.

Do know what makes this really crazy?! I wasn’t even dating anyone at the time. What?! But I knew how important it would be for me to have a family, so I started trying to think of what else I could do in life. I really struggled, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I thought from age 16 that I would do some type of photography for my work. I freaked out inside a lot of days, my personality likes to plan and I couldn’t plan anything since I had no idea what else really interested me. So when I suddenly found myself engaged a few months later I had a huge sigh of relief. I knew what my future was to an extent and I didn’t need to worry anymore about any of that growing up nonsense. I would get married, we’d work and have fun, and eventually have kids. So I was set for the next 10-15 years at least right? I would be a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) and I would think about what I want to be when I grow up later.

It took some time and emotional toll, but eventually we had a baby. And he was beautiful! At the time I worked part time as a crossing guard. And I continued this until just before the birth of our second son. And then I knew I needed to stay home full time with them. And so I did. And it wasn’t anything like I expected. My days weren’t that full, I wasn’t feeling fulfilled, my friends worked so I had no one to hang out with during the day. The second pregnancy and birth threw off my hormones a lot too, our second car died right around that time. So I found myself, stuck at home, lonely, nothing to do, no one to do it with, and even if there would have been something I would still have no way to get there to do it. And I was depressed. I mean all that is depressing enough on it’s own, but I had depression as well.

Parent Expectations

Credit: Pict one,  Pict two

I’ve struggled over the years. I liked being a SAHM, but it was also lonely, and somewhat unfulfilling. Seriously, kids don’t thank you for all your hard work, and it started seeming as if nothing I did really mattered. And the few times I was with other adults, ha, my contribution to the convo was how I’d seen a Curious George episode about that. Don’t get me wrong, I love Curious George, but he’s not really adult kind of talk.

A few weeks ago I found this post on Facebook. And it really got me thinking about my experiences as a SAHM. It’s called 10 Dark Parenting Truths. #4 and 5 really struck me.

4. You might give up pieces of yourself that you once loved

No one has it all. No mother. No father. No person. All of life involves sacrifice, and parenting always demands its share of it.

It’s like those friends who stay, or return, or never come back at all. Some dreams and passions and loves stay even after the babies are born. Some return. Others don’t.

 

As a SAHM struggling with depression and other fun stuff, I had lost some of my identity. One day I realized I didn’t know who I was besides a Mom. I didn’t know what I liked anymore. Mothering and depression had taken over and I lost all other identity. It was overwhelming! I prayed a lot, and cried a lot. Then I started to write some. What I liked about myself (I love my long hair). Things I used to like. Things I felt I still liked. Things that interested me, things I wanted to do some day. Things others saw in me. It’s taken some time, and I’m still not fully there, but over the past 5-6 years I’ve been piecing me together again, and seeing who I am today. Finding that I am a mom, and a wife, but also so much more. Getting help with the depression made a HUGE difference in this.

5. You might find parenting unfulfilling

In fact, I would argue that parenting is not completely fulfilling for anyone—nor should it be. Our children’s lives cannot and should not consume our own (much as they might devour our time and attention). Our children are not and should not be viewed as extensions of ourselves.

Parenting can fill one with love and wonder and joy. But it cannot take the place of all the other possible loves and wonders and joys in the world.

Reading about these two things has helped put all the past crap I went through into perspective, and also taught me I’m not alone or abnormal in these feelings. Being a SAHM wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I’m still so glad that I did it. Not much in life ever happens the way we think it will, or feel the way we thought/want. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it, in fact somewhere along the way we find out a little bit more about ourselves, life, and those we love. And it’s great! Different than we though, but great!