Once a week (aprox) we try to do what we call Family Fun Night. We take turns choosing an activity to do as a family. It ranges from having a “Stuffy Fight” (throwing stuffed animals at each other- actually pretty fun) to paying for dinner or activity. It’s been good for us. It helps us be closer as a family, and helps remind us to have fun together, and that we can/should. And I really like that we each get a turn to choose something. It teaches us to share, take turns, and we get to feel special that we get to choose something that we all have to do.This week has been incredible weather wise. Yesterday was our FFN, J chose to go to a local place for soft serve ice-cream (known around here as creamies). We biked on over and got some DELICIOUS maple creamies. It was a lot of fun, perfect weather for it, and so relaxing. Just slowing down our world and enjoying the breeze, scene and of course the cool ice-cream. Plus with the nicer weather lately I’ve finally gotten to ride my new bike a bunch. And I love it! It’s kind of crazy that within a couple of weeks we’ve gone from cold miserable weather to summery weather. And you instantly forget how long the winter is here.
I’m feeling somewhat at a loss of what to write today. Not that there aren’t many things I am grateful for. But life has gone back to normal starting yesterday. Before that we had 2 birthdays, a baptism, family in town, DrH had a week off, then a 2 week course with a REALLY laid back schedule. And now family is gone, boys are in school, DrH is back to “regular” (which means long and crappy) schedule, my pottery class is over, and I find myself once again trying to figure out what to do with myself, and what it was I was doing before all that craziness started.
When I feel this way, it’s hard for me to write. I don’t feel like I know what to write about, and sometimes I don’t feel much like writing. I have no words of wisdom, no great stories or ideas. Nothing that comes flowing out like at other times. Everything feels just blah. I feel blah.
So here I am to write about nothing. But I guess that’s ok sometimes. Not all of life is great words and moments, I know, but sometimes it’s hard to be ok with the blah days. So here are a couple things (that really aren’t a post by themselves) that I am grateful for: this blog, a place to write, a place of no judgment even when I write about nothing. A place to heal, to keep me writing and reflecting.
My gym membership, since we got back from Christmas vacation I have been running at the gym a couple times a week. This is exciting because 1- I hate exercise and especially running, and 2- I’m not good at continuing to regularly exercise past a month or so. I’m grateful that I’ve been able this time to keep it going. Yes I’ve missed a week or day here or there with kids being off school and such, but then I get right back to it when I can.
And finally the good moments. Not all of them can be classed as days, sometimes it is only a moment here or there that we feel the sunlight. Moments of peace and contentment. Moments of feeling God’s infinite love for us. In those moments I am truly happy. I wish I could have them all the time, but unfortunately that’s not realistic. And in times when I feel like I do today, I need this place to write and help me remember to focus on those good moments in my life.
This morning was hard. I’ve been trying to go run at the gym on Mondays and Thursdays (yay).Today I got up and REALLY wasn’t feeling like going. But I told myself that if I workout well this month I can get a new pair of shoes or something, so that helped me get into the workout clothes. Then of course the boys are taking their sweet time getting ready and in the car for school, so I of course am getting more grumpy. Finally get them off and head towards the gym, slowly cuz of traffic. Cuz it’s snowing. Again! Negotiating with myself on the way that I’ll do the elliptical instead of the treadmill. Get there and actually do the treadmill. Still not feeling awesome, which is lame because I did great! Find myself emotionally unbalanced and realizing it. Crying through some uplifting YouTube and such trying to help myself feel better.
This was my morning.
Seriously people, I was feeling a little like running away. Ugh being responsible can sometimes suck!
And then change. Medicine started kicking in (have to take it after I workout so I don’t get nauseous), uplifting videos kicking in and helping me lift the mood. Start feeling less alone and crazy and DEPRESSED.
And then I come here to write and suddenly I’m seeing change in a different way. I am grateful for it. Without it I’d still be stuck in depression. I’m not saying I’m going to like or be grateful for all changes, but maybe start seeing the good ones too. For what they are- Change. Not just something good that happens, but change.
So if you couldn’t tell, I’m not a runner. It’s not my thing, I don’t enjoy it at this time in my life (leaving room that it’s possible I could like it in the future. Not likely). In fact, I have what you call a love hate relationship with exercise. I’d love to have the body that comes from exercising, but I hate to exercise. It’s been an issue for me my whole adult life. I never had to learn to exercise until after getting married. I was always active enough, I always had time for playing with friends. Then suddenly I actually had to think about exercise, I had to put forth effort for it. It wasn’t just something that happened while I played Ultimate Frisbee or whatever. I had to learn to do it, to make myself do it, and to like it. Because I’m not one of those really weird people that have an innate like of exercise.
Well… 11 years later, I’m still struggling with it. Remember love hate relationship here. What I’ve found is that it’s hard to teach yourself to exercise regularly as an adult (at least for me it is). Also that it’s harder to learn to like it. But I’ve also found that most people don’t like it, even the ones that do exercise. The ones who exercise but don’t like it have been successful because they have been able to put it on their To Do List successfully. No one wants to clean the toilet but we do it (or I hope you do!) So I’m working on changing the way I think about it. Making it something that I have to do, just like laundry and feeding my kids. There are of course those few really weird people who innately love it, and kudos to them, but the rest of us have to force ourselves. And let’s be honest I hate being forced to do things! Ugh, I know it’s good for me… just like I know eating lots of dessert is bad for me. But I love one and hate the other (which is which should be obvious). Yep still expecting a long road on this journey.
But I keep trying. And maybe one day I’ll be successful at making it a permanent, constant part of my life. Thus far I’ve been able to do good at it for a period of time and then something happens to stop me and I’m back to not working out so much. It reminds me of Ground Hog’s Day. No not the holiday, the movie. I have to keep starting over and over again trying to make it a habit for more than a month. Get sick, don’t work out for a few days while getting better, back to square one. Finally get beck into it (like a month later) pull a muscle, don’t work out, start over, finally working out again, knee stuff or shoulder stuff flares up, take it easy to not injure self…. On and on it goes. But as it is I’m not willing to give up sweets, so I’ll have to make it part of my life. Oh ok, even if I was good with my eating I’d still need the exercise. Fine!
So I’m keeping it simple for now, hoping that it means I’ll keep doing it long term. A few simple exercises each day that takes about 5 minutes or less. And
run jog around my block once, two days a week. Also about 5 minutes or less. I’m putting it on my To Do List ya’ll. I’m gonna make this happen. And hope that this resolve is still here tomorrow, and in a few days, and in a month.
Ironically I signed up to do a 5k with my friend the other day (my 1st 5k). That morning I was ready! To go right back to sleep. But I was determined to do it and excited to hang out with my friend. And heck yah I was going to walk it like no one else, because well, my friend’s walk is becoming more like a waddle these days. (which makes sense since she’s due in a couple months) I didn’t sign up to run, and I never intended to. But I’m glad I did it. It was a good long walk, and a great convo with my friend. We came in dead last, and I was proud of myself for even doing it, and even more for finishing it. And I learned from this (besides that I can walk that far in under an hour) that I’ll never sign up for a race to race. If I ever do it again it will be to do it with someone. No leaving either person behind, just enjoying the journey together. And even though a lot of my friends are runners, I am becoming more okay that I’m not, but also I am more willing to try a little to do it with them. Though not to the point they do, cuz they’re runners and I’m not, so we meet in the middle.